Zara zara fitrat badalne laga..dil mera..

You always need to have lil spaces you "own" where you should be able to zone out. Feel at peace. Feel the real you. Ok peace these days is over rated and very elusive but at least a space to feel the turbulence and identify it.

A quote that I came across recently got me thinking :

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”
― Maya Angelou

I get the part of crawling into space between the notes but loneliness somehow brings out a negative connotation. What is it with people these days that they are so afraid of being with themselves! I probably have an exaggerated scene in my head about all of this because I'm bordering on turning into a misanthrope,though, not the cynical kind. Am pretty happy being on my own for most part o the day even!

There is a difference between being lonely and being alone.

The common complaint of feeling lonely in the crowd is sometimes more because you haven't figured what's happening with you.

Music is that space for me where the right song played will so totally align with what I feel at the moment. You tend to find words in a song's lyrics which you obviously couldn't have thought of on your own. Rather I can't. So you know then, it is not so weirdly freaky for people to feel what you feel coz ppl are writing songs about them! Duuh! ;)

Ironically, I find the day's peace in traffic jams! B'coz it combines two of my biggest passions - driving with music! I have cleared my head about so many things in the worst of traffic jams because you are forced to sit there and inch. How long can you crib anyway? Might as well be productive! Well it will work only if you have the right music along with you. You most certainly cannot depend on the wretched radio for that!

In the nights after 9pm, radio can do some good though. Yesterday's song was such a classic, it just hit me out of nowhere. For starters I hardly think I will ever pull off saying something like that! ;) and secondly the song has such a wide range! For most part, you do feel like you aren't such a bad singer after all. Just when that happens, Asha Bhonsle goes hits notes which are beyond the ceiling. I tried singing along, disastrous!

Raat Akeli Hai, Bujh Gae Diye

Aake Mere Paas, Kaano mein Mere

Jo Bhi Chaahe Kahiye, Jo Bhi Chaahe Kahiye, Raat ...

Tum Aaj Mere Liye Ruk Jaao, Rut Bhi Hai Furasat Bhi Hai 

Tumhein Na Ho Na Sahii, Mujhe Tumase Muhabbat Hai

Mohabbat Ki Ijaazat Hai, To Chup Kyuun Rahiye

Jo Bhi Chaahe Kahiye, Raat ...

Savaal Banii Hui Dabi Dabi Ulajhan Siinon Mein

Javaab Denaa Thaa, To Duube Ho Pasiino.N Mein

Thaanii Hai Do Hasiinon Mein, To Chup Kyun Rahiye

Jo Bhi Chaahe Kahiye, Raat ...

Whoa! the lyrics :P

And finally! I never saw the video of this song until now. So yup sooo not happening! Mood changer? Oh certainly! Am sure the guys will love it! ;)

My mixed bag

I have these strong mental images which have an amazingly powerful impact on me. One pretty glance, one meaningful smile, an evil smirk! I never forget them. They are etched for life. To connect with a person from across the room through a simple eye contact. Body language.. says it all for me. It's a confirmation.. a form of reinforcement of the sign that I have been waiting for.

All these emotions form a world which clearly distinguishes the "Sacred" from the "Profane" in our mundane lives. I thrive on them..

The last week has been one of the most festive weeks of my life.. and definitely on par with my sister's wedding 5 years ago. An unforgettable experience.. a very big event of your life. Why? Why is it such a big deal? Is it actually such a big deal? People get married all the time! Well at least most of them do and some more than once ;) :p Then why the hype?

It generates a feeling of euphoria, the kind that can be overwhelming. It helps you reconnect with your people. What the famous Socio-Anthropologist William Graham Sumner defines as Ethnocentrism is not such a bad thing after all..

He says we all have the core attachment which defines and shapes our identity.. the "In-group" feeling and it is clearly distinguished from the "Out-group" feeling. The Us vs the Them!

The extreme version of "We" feeling is seen in our day to day lives.. especially for us Indians. It's ironic that such an extreme feeling is also a very accepted and an ingrained feeling for most of us. Even though I have a very rational and not such a dogmatic view of Caste, (I am not as anti-caste as I was before I took up anthropology as a subject) I don't see Caste as such a bad thing.

What's wrong if a few people are proud of their lineage? What's wrong if people find security and strength being with people who have more things in common. Caste actually represents similarities. In a Patriarchal society like ours.. (Patriarchal in every way! No two ways about it.. Mind you!) It's just easier for a girl to move lock stock and barrel and start her life with a new set of people when their way of life is familiar to her's. That's it. That's the whole point!

What's insanely worrying is when there is not only an "We" feeling but there is an "anti-them" feeling as well. I obviously see no sense at all when caste is used as a pretext to ruin marriages. Khap Panchayats and their diktats! Can someone SANE explain the principle behind the concept of "Honour Killings!?"

Anyway getting back to the mental images, when the whole family was super busy in prepping for the wedding.. me being me.. I decided to drift away for a bit and go visit the very famous Tadbund Hanuman Mandir on Hanuman Jayanti.. the one day when it is the most crowded. Well it's the most festive that day too.. so why not!

I knew it would take me more than an hour in the queue and my poor bro saw no logic in me standing there when I could play my "Asst Commissioner" card n walk straight in.. :p

The point is, I find it so fascinating that such a huge crowd can be so orderly and put up with all kind of inconvenience just to visit the temple on that day. Walk in the next day and the temple is so empty.. why not come in the next day? I admire the faith of the common man. I have a great respect for US Indians. My true In-group feeling! :)

The visit though was worth all the effort. The temple was lit up and decorated so beautifully that one glimpse of god was actually enough! A bunch of kids were playing on the stage within the temple premises.. Little kids on tablas and sitars all just added to the grandeur.

And yes the moon outside almost seemed like it was drawn using a compass.Picture Perfect Setting!

So I walk out after the darshan and as usual there is the huge line of people begging for alms.. it's a common sight in all religious places isn't it? Yes it is.. In fact you would notice their absence am sure!

But the one image that is going to stay with me was that of an infant.. a little baby girl in rags on the road with nobody around her.. People walked past her like she didn't exist while the baby was in high spirits amused by the sights and sounds.

All those Skewed sex-ratios and facts n figures of health, poverty in India pop up in my head thanks to my insane prep.. but wait What do I do about it? I do nothing like everybody else..

I'm so lost. I'm confused.. and I'm sure this post shows that. Random Rant with no clarity what so ever!

It's fine for now.. I'm still a dependent with no income.. but later? Will I be able to do something for that child? Is my education going to help? The question is not Can I.. the question is "Will I be any different!?"

Nothingness!

I'm tired of explaining why I blog in phases. So yeah no more explanations, I blog when I want to and that's that!

Having made a feeble attempt to clear my conscience, I'll get to my post for today :

Even though mid-twenties seem to be as baffling as ever, it took only a 100 days to see myself in a whole new light! There comes a phase in everyone's life when you sooo wish you could skip a particular period and fast forward to a time when it's done. But there's nothing like the process of actually emerging out from the other side.

I did it!

Life's so much more clear now. I not only have a sense of direction, I also know "it's all in my hands!"


As I say this, I have a strange feeling that I actually hear a chuckle from the Man sitting above. Yeah Right! ;)

Confirmation

What better way than say something big through lines learned from school texts?

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


An year ago, I was right here.. where the two roads diverged.
"I doubted if I should ever come back"

Today, yes TODAY! I got my confirmation that I did make the right choice. It was tough, it still is.

I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Day 15!

Glory

Artist : The legend Sattiraju Lakshmi Narayana fondly called Bapu!


Notice something unusual in the pic?

The snake around his neck is missing. :)

Exudes power on one hand and warmth and peace on the other. The Broad shoulders and the lean body, the posture, the positioning of the hands, Amazing work of art!

This is an image very close to my mind, body and soul.
Only a handful know it's significance.


Day 9!

Lesson Learned

This is about one of the most profound moments of my life. I will try n keep it short.

Over the past two years I have spent as much time driving from my place to my sister's as a trainee pilot does to clock a certain number of flying hours. Driving through Kukatpally is basically as bad as it can possibly get. Hyderabad traffic is known for it's utter lack of road sense and deplorable road conditions.

So here I am driving one afternoon last summer. Blazing hot as it is in Hyd when it hits a 42 deg Temp.. we were all hungry and basically on the edge of losing it. It's never easy when your mum is well "Back Seat Driving" as I call it! She has been driving in hyd for over 15 years and she drives now even when she is not at the wheel ;) through shrieks, yells, "SLooww Sloow" instructions apart from pressing the foot down on the imaginary clutch n break!

That day all of us were at our wit's ends fulled further by hunger complaining about how HOT it was, how our sedan wasn't cooling down enough, how horrid it was to drive in such hostile conditions.

Amongst all that chaos I spotted an open truck transporting bricks. On them sat four middle aged men with the most serene expressions as if they were enjoying a wonderful drive under the full moon. They didn't look half as drained as we did, not half as troubled as we were.

That memory of those 4 men gave me the much needed reality check. It changed my perspective and has left an indelible imprint in my life. I do hope I get the opportunities in my career to help such men earn for themselves a much better life. A life they truly deserve.

For the rest of the drive, all 4 of us remained silent.

Day 3 !

Redefining the word Integrity

The 3 songs that move me to my very soul!

1. Elvis Presley's If I can dream

When Elvis heard it he proclaimed "I'm never going to sing another song I don't believe in. I'm never going to make another picture I don't believe in."
He sang this song as a tribute to Martin Luther King soon after he was assassinated.

Presenting my king with his ultimate classic If I can dream..

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There must be lights burning brighter somewhere
Got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue
If I can dream of a better land
Where all my brothers walk hand in hand
Tell me why, oh why, oh why can't my dream come true
Oh why

There must be peace and understanding sometime
Strong winds of promise that will blow away
the doubt and fear
If I can dream of a warmer sun
Where hope keeps shining on everyone
Tell me why, oh why, oh why won't that sun appear

We're lost in a cloud
With too much rain
We're trapped in a world
That's troubled with pain
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream
He can redeem his soul and fly

Deep in my heart there's a tremblin' question
Still I am sure that the answer, answer's gonna come somehow
Out there in the dark, there's a beckoning candle, yeah
And while I can think, while I can talk
While I can stand, while I can walk
While I can dream, please let my dream
Come true......right now

2. O Mahatma.. O Maharishi.. from the Telugu movie Akali Rajyam ("Hungry Nation")

This song was written by the great telugu writer Mahakavi Sri Sri (Pen name for Srirangam Srinivasa Rao.) The simplicity and the beautiful interplay of words here are beyond my ability to praise.

Here you go.. Kamal Hassan and Sri Devi in one of their all time best in this video

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O Mahatma.. O Maharshi...

Edi Cheekati Edi Veluturu
Edi Jeevitam Edi Mrutyuvu
Edi Punyam Edi Paapam
Edi Narakam Edi Naakam
Edi Satyam Edi Asatyam
Edi Anityam Edi nityam
Edi Ekam Edi Anekam
Edi Kaaranam Edi Kaaryam

O Mahatma.. O Maharshi...

Edi Telupu Edi Nalupu
Edi Gaanam Edi Mounam
Edi Naadi Edi Needi
Edi Neethi Edi Nethi
Ninna Swapnam Neti Satyam
Neti Khedam Repu Raagam
Oke Kaanti Oke Shaanti

O Maharshi..O Mahatma...

3. Elvis Presley's My way

Elvis renders this beauty in a way no one else can.

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And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing

To think I did all that
And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way

For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes it was my way

( Written by Paul Anka and popularized by Frank Sinatra )


P.S. There will come a time somewhere in the future.. when I will upload my version of all these three songs :D Beware!